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Glenna Gillilan
15 February 2017 @ 12:57 pm
You can bookmark/follow my new blog here: My Spiritual Formation

I may return to this blog in the future -- not sure yet.
Glenna Gillilan
11 February 2017 @ 07:27 pm
He told me that Pastor Adam at the church texted him and told him I was really depressed (which, admittedly I wasn't happy about at first... it kind of added to my feeling of being a burden and a nuisance. 🙁) I let him read my previous two blog entries and we talked about them. He said that anytime I'm feeling lonely or depressed (especially if I'm feeling suicidal, which I'll admit I was today) I can text him and he'll make time to talk to me.

He was also very honest and told me that I kind of am pushing him and the other guys away by being too clingy. I told him what I said to Adam about feeling like he's kind of glad sometimes to have reasons not to hang out with me, and he said that sometimes he feels that way about the other guys in the house (which made me feel better, lol).

He did encourage me, as did Pastor Adam, to get counseling, as well as meet with someone from the church's Stephen Ministry and to see if I can make some more friends. (Oh! I meant to tell him that I have been invited to join United Methodist Women. He'll be happy to hear that. I wonder if they do things together aside from their monthly luncheons after church...)

He also encouraged me to spend some time with the girls at Francis House, as well as continue to cultivate my friendship with Lisa, Macie, and Rebecca at Cochran House, since all my current friends are guys and, well... 😊

All in all, he gave me loads of good advice. I'm feeling so much better now, and so happy that he's my friend (and that Pastor Adam is, too! Of sorts, I guess... 😊)
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Glenna Gillilan
11 February 2017 @ 04:10 pm
I talked to one of the guys at Bonhoeffer House after Bible study last Monday night. Ryan and the others have been doing so much to make me feel included and a part of things -- Monday morning prayers, Bible study, Wednesday night meals, get-togethers every other Saturday... Plus they spend time one on one with me, talking to and counseling me. But still, as I told Thomas, a lot of the time I still feel like I'm literally on the outside looking in.

I have to state the facts as they are. A big part of the reason I want to be part of the Epworth Project and live in community is so I'll finally belong somewhere, completely and totally, absolutely no doubt about it. I wouldn't really have that living in my own place.

Ryan knows and understands some of that, but I don't know if he knows just how strongly I feel -- and I'm sort of afraid to tell him. I mean, isn't that totally the wrong reason? And if I try to explain my thoughts and reasoning during my interview(s) with him and Justin and Ceceliah, I'm afraid of coming across as "unstable" somehow (arguing or whatever).

I feel like I'm so messed up...
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Glenna Gillilan
11 February 2017 @ 01:11 pm
I'm really starting to hate myself right now. I kind of feel like I'm pushing Ryan away by being needy and clingy, and I don't know what to do. I'm just feeling so lonely. I don't have anyone to hang out with or talk to, no one who wants to go out and do stuff with me. I really feel like I don't deserve to be loved or to feel like I truly belong anywhere or to anyone.

I told Ryan earlier (in an email) that he and the guys have been proving their friendship to me and that I sort of think the devil (through someone else) is trying to make me doubt them. What I didn't say but should have is that it's easy for me to silence that external voice, but what about the internal one? The one that says I'm too much trouble to deal with; such a pain in the ass (too needy, too clingy, such a nuisance and a bother) that it's no wonder people don't want to be around me?

I don't know what to do. I wish I had someone to hold me right now and let me cry all the pain out and tell me everything will be okay.
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Glenna Gillilan
07 February 2017 @ 02:07 pm
Ryan loaned me a book called Sleeping with Bread that talks about the examen (the Epworth Project's Rule of Life mentions it under Prayer as a means of reflecting on one's day/week, but I wasn't quite sure what it was), and that's something else I'd love to do as part of a group. (Although you can do it by yourself, I want the connection with others.)

I'm going to be asking Ryan if that's something we can do as a community exercise (the guys already do it as a house, I think...)
Current Mood: happyhappy
Glenna Gillilan
06 February 2017 @ 10:05 am
I had an awesome time!

I took an Uber and got to the church (Cochran Chapel UMC) at around 6:30 p.m. (dinner starts at 7:00... usually 😊). I had to call Justin to ask where the house was, and he came down and escorted me. We got to talk for a bit and I met the other residents -- Justin's wife Lisa, and Maci and Rebecca, who are seminary students. (Most people who live in Epworth houses are either grad students or former students; I believe the house stewards are on staff at the Missional Wisdom Foundation.) I also got to meet some people from the neighborhood who have dinner there.

I did broach the subject of maybe spending a few days at the house so I could really experience living in community --as I'd told Ryan, I can read and talk about it, but the best way for me to actually learn is to just immerse myself in it. Justin told me that Ryan had mentioned to him that I'd be asking and suggested that I continue coming to the meals for a few months so that I could get to know the residents and they could get to know me. (Makes perfect sense, and I plan to do just that.)

Dinner was a little late (crockpot issues 😊), but wonderful! We had soup, string beans, sourdough bread and butter, and chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Isaac, two of the guests' son, offered up "Justin's Seven Words of Wisdom", which were funny and wise (I'm really sorry now that I didn't write them down or record them). We also got to ask questions (mine was "Why did Christians start having the Sabbath on Sunday?" Answer: Early Christians began the Sabbath at sunrise on Sunday because Jesus rose on that day and it's sort of a celebration (I guess that would be the word) of his resurrection. Also, there was something about the "eighth day" -- God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh -- the on the "eighth day" he will come to earth in the person of Jesus... I think. Again, I should have recorded Lisa's response.)

I found out that Lisa's a Trekkie! Yay! LOL (Justin's a Star Wars fan like Ryan; that's okay, though, I still love him. LMAO) I didn't get the chance to really talk to her about it, but I'm sure I will!

I joined the group for community prayer, which we also do at Bonhoeffer House, and then we chatted a bit. I ended up leaving around 9:00 and got back to Bonhoeffer about half an hour later. (Thank God for Uber!)

As I said, I plan to visit Cochran House as often as I can over the next few months, and right now I'm really hoping to be invited to live there. (Justin is a co-founder of a ministry to the disabled called The Julian Way, and since I'm disabled (as is he) maybe I can help with that.) We shall see, I suppose.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Aftermath ~ Adam Lambert, For Your Entertainment
Glenna Gillilan
20 January 2017 @ 10:41 am
Finally got my application filled out for the Epworth Project. Now all I have to do is write some essays and get two letters of recommendation (and who are going to write those? No one who's known me over the past 20 years or so has known me to be particularly religious/spiritual, except for the past few months. I guess I'll have to ask for Ryan's advice...)

I wonder if it'll be enough that I've shown such an interest in the program? I hope so...

Had a really good and informative meeting with Ryan. He assured me that they're not looking for the Pope, Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, etc., to be part of the project (i.e., not the most religious/spiritual people in the world), just normal people who are ministry- and mission-oriented (and he and one other resident have commented on how I've managed to minister to them!) He also told me that I probably have more people who could recommend me for the program than I think...

He also urged me not to focus so much on getting into Epworth housing that I neglect the fact that God may have another direction for me to go in. I just think that living "in community" for awhile (however long it might be) would be the best way for me to learn and grow in spiritual and missional wisdom. But it's definitely something I'll need to think and pray about.
Current Mood: reflective
Glenna Gillilan
18 January 2017 @ 09:10 am
Will I always go through life feeling like I don't really belong? I gave up trying to get together with old school friends and people like that long ago. They'd say, "Yeah, we'll do something soon", but nothing ever came of it.

I became a Glambert because of Adam's music and who he is, just like y'all did, but I was also hoping to make some real friends in the fandom, too. After all, "We Are Glamily", right? And I have met some wonderful people... although none of them seem to live in Dallas, or if they do they're not interested in making another real friend. That's the only thing I can think. The only other reason I can think of is that it is me -- that there must be something about me that turns people off and sends them running even before they get a chance to really know me. And for the life of me, I can't figure out what it could be.

I mean, even my new friends at Bonhoeffer House -- I can hang out and meet them there, but they won't invite me anywhere to do stuff. They are trying to come up with ways to make me feel more a part of things (after I told Ryan that's what I wanted), but still...

I just get so bored sitting at Starbucks all day, or sitting on the porch at Bonhoeffer, or sitting at the church... I want to be doing something, but I'm afraid of seeming like I'm pushing myself on people.

Ah, my needinesss... that's another entry for another time...
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Whataya Want From Me ~ Adam Lambert, For Your Entertainment
Glenna Gillilan
11 January 2017 @ 07:51 am
I had an informal meeting yesterday with Ryan and Ceceliah Igweta, the abbess of the Epworth Project, which oversees housing for the Missional Wisdom Foundation.

There are five houses in the DFW area -- Bonhoeffer, Francis, and Cochran in Dallas; there's also a house in Plano and one in Arlington. (There's also a house in Waco, about 90 miles southwest of Dallas. Needless to say, I'd rather not live that far away.)

Each house is a "neo-monastic community" living by a rule of life based partly on the Vows of Membership in the United Methodist Church (Rule of Life).

I'll admit that it's kind of freaky to me that I'm so enthused about the idea of living in what amounts to a religious commune, but I am. And the fact that it'll get me off the streets is actually of secondary importance to me. This really seems like something I've been looking for for most if not all my life, and I want it.
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Glenna Gillilan
02 January 2017 @ 10:22 am
I'm supposed to have a phone interview with the Director of Learning Strategies at the Academy for Missional Wisdom sometime this week. It's affiliated with the Methodist Church, although you don't have to be Methodist to take courses. Most of it will be online, but we will get together every so often at retreats to discuss what we're learning and things like that. (Although to save on travel expenses, Ryan, who went through the training himself a few years ago, has offered to be my "instructor" of sorts and sort of guide me and whoever else would like to join.)

It sounds like a really interesting course and a way for me to learn how to be of service in my new church and community. I've also signed up to take a five-week class in Methodism at the church (it's one class a week, starting next Sunday). I think it'll be good for me to start getting involved again.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful